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  • Writer's pictureImi

The pothole

I avoided a pothole today.

Do you remember when I never did that? I wouldn't notice them, because I was too busy focusing on the view ahead of me, other drivers, side, there's just so much to think about when you're driving.

But I noticed it today. And I got out of its way.

I just drove the car because it needs to be driven. I feel sad when I look at the car sometimes. Because I got it with Skylar in mind. And the last time it was used to its full potential was when we went to Bradford.

That was a family dynamic. Two adults, two kids, a dog in the back, a top box full of luggage. I just...when I look at that car, I still see the ghost of that summer.

But then again, I guess you have a lot more ghosts in your house. The ghost of me in the medium room. The ghost of your kids being there every evening after school. The ghost of your ex pasteurising the milk in the kitchen because they don't do it for you in Uganda and she hadn't adjusted to the UK milk.

So yeah. I enjoy driving, but it's difficult to drive sometimes. When I remember.

But it gets easier with time. Especially now that we sometimes share emails.

You don't talk as much as me. But that's OK. I'm reassured by the two ticks turning green on my mail tracker extension which shows you read my message. Because it's kind of like WhatsApp.

I guess it's the new WhatsApp for us. The slow WhatsApp.

I shouldn't be proud of avoiding a pothole. I shouldn't be proud like a 17 year old. But I am. I don't feel like I'm 29. I just don't. And that isn't your fault. I need to learn to parent myself...somehow.

I also weighed myself today. 26 stone, 3 and 3/4 lbs. Yes, I know you think in kg. I grew up on stone and lbs. And...I remember when I was 18, I thought being 18 stone was bad.

Now, being 18 stone would be a massive achievement.

I have to fix it. But I am. It's why I signed up for Green Chef keto. It's why I'm eating keto now. It's why I'm focusing on finding happiness. Because I need to fix myself.

I'm nearly 30, I need to be healthy, to have savings, to have a proper career, to feel growth.

And maybe one day, after therapy, we will be in a place to start again, form a better foundation, one that lasts.

Or maybe the feelings will fade. I don't know.

But right now, I'm just sat here, loving you, emailing you sometimes, trying not to make it too personal. And the personal stuff...well, that will sit here now.

Because I don't want to overload you. I don't want to burden you. I don't want you to deal with my lack of emotional regulation. All the thoughts I have. All the things I could and do say, all the time.

No...that goes here. I validate myself, here. I don't ask you for validation, I don't ask anyone for validation. I don't need a father figure from you. I need a partner. And I messed that up...

So the best thing to do now is do what I have to do here, and give you your peace, and your space, to heal. And I need to heal, too.

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