The first one
I'm listening to The Peace again. There is a bird outside, sitting in the branches of the tree opposite my window. I have been completely mentally and physically shot for weeks. I have been lashing out at you because of that. I am sorry.
You never deserved my anger. You never deserved my hate. You never deserved to feel like I was against you in any way.
I miss the kids. I'm sorry to bring that up. But I can't deny my own feelings. I was telling Mum last night that I opened the drawer on my bedside table and saw the Gabor Mate book on ADHD I started reading. And the bookmark in it is the one Sanyu gave me on the last weekend I saw them.
We had a lot of moments that were just us. She came to me on Friday night and handed me the bookmark and said 'I made this for you at school, you can colour it in if you want.' I put it down on the desk after smiling and saying thank you. I didn't know if I could handle taking it with me. But I did, in the end. Even if I never see her again, and she never remembers me, I can remember seven year old Sanyu giving me a bookmark. I can remember sitting with her in bed watching YouTube videos. I can remember all of it, and that's where I keep my power.
Loss is never easy. Losing you. Losing the kids. Losing Skylar. But we have to hold on to the good memories. I still remember carrying Skylar through a field when I got lost with him. The way he held onto me, so trusting. I remember the love I gave that little boy, until I couldn't keep giving anymore.
I also know that's what you did with me. I know the mistakes I kept making. I made them in all my relationships, and I made them in this one, too.
I started crying for a bit but I'm back now. I want to keep writing. I need to. That is always what saved me. It saved me when I was homeless. I just felt the clackety clack of keys on the keyboard and saw the screen filling up with words and I knew that, regardless of whether they made sense or not, I was emptying my brain of the mess that sat within it.
There is so much I want to tell you. I'm going to just randomly talk about them here. Because I feel like it's the best space to do it. I don't want you to get another email from me and not know if it will be filled with love or hate. I don't want that for you anymore. I will try really hard - no, I WILL - not do that anymore.
I'm worried about Mum. She spent a night in hospital having seizures, and only told me afterwards. She did this back in 2012 when she had breast cancer. She only told me when she was in remission. I was so...not angry, in that sense. Angry she hadn't told me. Angry because she'd been dealing with it alone. She was alone at the hospital, too.
Now she can't work. She literally got told she can't by her boss. She has no money coming in. She had to give up her car. She feels she's falling apart. I feel the same way about her too.
I had a meltdown last week. I basically got told off by Rotem because I messed up a media list, and he did a long call with me. I felt ashamed. Also because he was mentioning that I only had to work four hours a day but I needed to do more. He saw right through me. I was not doing a good job at juggling everything.
Then I just couldn't work out how to do this content task for a client for Simon. I ended up saying to him - look I need to step away for a few days, I can't do this.
I spent four days by myself, after messaging Rotem to basically say I couldn't cope. Well, I saw Dad on Sunday. He came with Bobby and we had lunch and...whatever. He always does surface conversation. We never really get to the real stuff. Anyway. It was fine.
I spoke with Simon this morning. He responded to my meltdown in two ways I wasn't expecting. The bad part is he said I was behaving like a 24 year old who didn't know what she was doing with her life, and the last time he'd had an experience like that - which did not happen often - it had been with an 18 year old apprentice whom it didn't work out with.
He then told me he was going to increase my salary by 7k and reduce my workload. I was like what the fuck. He said that I will only focus on SEO and I need to report directly to him now - no more Camille - and that I'll need to work more on pitching and winning clients.
The new copywriter, who will do the Marketing side, starts next week. And he's signing me up for the Vitality insurance plan so I can get a therapist.
So....yeah. I also have a call with Rotem soon to sort everything. He thought I'd quit...I told him it wasn't the case....I'll sort it out.
But...Simon and Rotem have both basically offered to mentor me. I will do this. I will learn content SEO and Digital PR in the way that means I can launch my own marketing agency. I will hold onto hope - because there's no point in lying, I AM, I absolutely am, I can't help it...that maybe one day we will come back to each other.
I don't know what time will do to that hope. Maybe everything will change. Maybe I'll be living in fucking Dubai and meet someone else. Maybe I'll have bought a house in Brighton and be waiting for you. I don't know. Anything could happen. And that scares me.
But the new chapter is here, it's here before I feel ready for it, so I have to make myself ready for it.
Bye for now, I love you.